Splash of Rain

Pastor Nate W is a friend. A really good friend. Which is good because what I am about to do to any reputation he may have would be grounds for a good pummeling...if we weren't such great pals.

Nate is my one really large friend. Large as in muscular. He has 'high muscle definition.' He's jacked. Pumped. Ripped. I tend to hang out with skinny people because I am not exactly of 'Atlasian' proportions myself, so skinny friends make me look
more like Nate.

Nate is big. Easily 6' 5" with abs of steel and biceps like twin turbo jet engines. A jaw like iron and an intimidating strong brow. I honestly can't report on either the quality, volume or manliness of his  belches, but judging from his massive torso and the way he puts away two or three whole Denny's Grand-Slam breakfasts at midnight, well, one can only imagine.

Nate is a full time pastor for a mega-church in Pennsylvania, and I hear he makes a really good street evangelist because all he has to do to save people is to raise himself up to his full height and go, "Boo!" and the sinner is scared straight.

Anyway, I have it on good authority that when Disney needed to write that great song from Beauty and the Beast about the big, burly character named Gaston, they actually studied my friend Nate for inspiration. All of the most manly sections of the following lyrics are actually based on my friend Nate. Can you believe that?

No one's slick as Gaston
No one's quick as Gaston
No one's neck's as incredibly thick as Gaston (they were really talking about Nate there)
For there's no man in town half as manly
Perfect, a pure paragon (Nate)
You can ask any Tom, Dick or Stanley
And they'll tell you whose team they prefer to be on

No one's been like Gaston
A king pin like Gaston
No one's got a swell cleft in his chin like Gaston (that's Nate too)
"As a specimen, yes, I'm intimidating"
My- what a guy, that Gaston

Give five "hurrahs!"
Give twelve "hip-hips!"
Gaston is the best
And the rest is all drips

No one fights like Gaston
Douses lights like Gaston
In a wrestling match nobody bites like Gaston
For there's no one as burly and brawny
"As you see I've got biceps to spare" (that's Nate again)
Not a bit of him's scraggly or scrawny
(That's right!)
"And ev'ry last inch of me's covered with hair"

No one hits like Gaston
Matches wits like Gaston
In a spitting match nobody spits like Gaston (I'm not sure on this one, but it's likely)
"I'm espcially good at expectorating"
(Ptooey!)
Ten points for Gaston!

"When I was a lad I ate four dozen eggs
Ev'ry morning to help me get large
And now that I'm grown I eat five dozen eggs (all of that's Nate...seen it myself!)
So I'm roughly the size of a barge"

No one shoots like Gaston
Makes those beauts like Gaston
Then goes tromping around wearing boots like Gaston
"I use antlers in all of my decorating" (yeah...)
Say it again
Who's a man among men?
And then say it once more
Who's the hero next door?
Who's a super success?
Don't you know? Can't you guess?
Ask his fans and his five hangers-on
There's just one guy in town who's got all of it down
And his name's G-A-S- T -
G-A-S-T - E -
G-A-S-T-O - oh!

GASTON!!!  


Yep, Nate's quite the specimen.

So what's the deal? Why blog about Nate's manliness?

Well, here's the thing: in a recent conversation, he related that some young people at his church asked him how he spends his day off. And do you know what he told them? He actually told them...honestly, he actually answered that one of his favorite things to do - oh, I don't think I can go on. This is too much. Give me a moment.... Ok, I'll try again: Nate actually told those impressionable youths that one of his favorite things to do is to go to the Yankee Candle store at the mall and smell the pretty candle smells!

I swear I can feel every single one of my 58 million y-chromosomes quivering with pertubation.

Now, if you are not familiar with Yankee Candle, I am told that it is a gift store that ladies like to frequent so they can purchase, among other gifty things, candles. Scented candles with names like Afternoon Picnic, Vanilla Cupcake, Bountiful Fruits and Sun Ripened Honeydew. Nate tells me his personal favorite is a rare, hard to find, "Limited Edition" scented candle called, and I swear I am not making this up, "Splash of Rain."

Well, then. What to do. I've got to think.

I guess I'm concerned, not just about the, well, umm - let's just say that one of us is getting into 'Fragrances,' and it isn't me. But there is also a growing concern nationally about the addictive qualities that these candles are becoming known for. I think the very fact that Nate is so 'public' about his problem... well, that's a tip-off to me that it's time for an INTERVENTION.

So I'm asking the SixTen group at Nate's church to keep a sharp eye out for any of the warning signs of  YCPFHA, Yankee-Candle-Pretty-Fragrance-Huffing-Addiction. Symptoms include, but are not limited to: extreme calm, contented sighing,  googly Harpo Marx eyes, usage of desk-waterfalls and finger labyrinths and repetitive consumption of Barry Manilow records while snuggling in a camel-colored Snuggie.

Well, time to conclude, because clearly any attempt to spiritualize this post, like trying to talk about 'iron sharpening iron,' or launching into a bit on the complementarian view of marriage would obviously be - well, you know. So I'll wrap it all up instead with these words of wisdom for Nate: Nate, any time that you want to smell girly smells at the mall, go right ahead, but don't tell your buddy in Vermont who has Photoshop and a blog.

Love you man.